Pleasing others at the cost of yourself? Let's learn how to say "no".

Parts taken from Cheryl Richardson’s book

“The art of extreme self care.”

Are you one of those people that like to please others?

Most of us don’t like to hurt or disappoint others and there are many reasons for this including our fear of conflict and its consequences, we want people to like us, we don’t have the language to let someone down with grace and love, we might experience a lot of guilt and we don’t like to disappoint others. Our desire to “keep the peace” could keep us from telling the truth.

There can also be underlying issues that can affect this situation as well, wanting recognition (even if it was the wrong kind of recognition), statements like “I’m not good enough” (so will do anything to be “good enough”) (even if it costs you) and fear – to name a few.

My journey

This is something that I personally have had to overcome as I grew up with my dad who “wanted to keep the peace” and not say anything (even when he had the right to).  This forced my mother to be the person who did say something and at times (through her sheer frustration of dad not speaking up) what she did say was not with grace or love.  So I ended up not saying anything even if it did hurt me.  Over the years I slowly gained the confidence and valued myself enough to feel ok about saying “no” with grace and love.  It was a learned skill for me and although I am much better at this, it still takes practice. 

Sensitive people

One of the harsh realities of sensitive people is that you must manage the anxiety that arises when other people are disappointed, angry or hurt (and they will be).  When you decide to break your pattern of self-sacrifice and deprivation, you’ll need to start saying no, setting limits, and putting boundaries in place to protect your time, energy, and emotional needs.

This does pose a difficult challenge for any sensitive person.  Why? Because you are changing the rules of the game and where once you said yes, you are now saying no and certain individuals wont like that.

Remember though, if you want to live a meaningful life that also makes a difference in the lives of others, you need to make a difference in your own life first.  You are honouring who you are as a person and respecting yourself. 

How can you help others when you can’t help yourself? 

They will probably get upset!

So, what happens when you start to let people down and they get upset?  When you start to care about yourself at this level, there will be fallout!  In fact, you may lose some friends that you thought were important to you.  This is bound to happen because if you tend to over give, you’ve trained those in your life to expect it and they’ll question you once you stop.  Remember that by making your needs a priority, you're also changing the rules.

Don’t be surprised if someone close to you tries to reel you back in by making more demands or tempting you with guilt.  When this happens, the worst thing you can do is to give in as it sends mixed messages and teaches others to doubt your word. 

What to do instead

Instead, you need to be honest, direct and resolved to take care of yourself.  Don’t over-explain, defend, or invite a debate about how you feel.  The fewer words the better. Make sure you have enough support around you from those who care enough about themselves as well. 

Here are some tips to help you set some comfortable boundaries and start caring for yourself.

Buy some time

If someone asks something of you, tell him or her you’ll think about it and that you will get back to them.  You don’t have to give an answer straight away.  This puts space between you and the request.  You could say, “I’ll need to get back to you,” “I’ll need to sleep on it,” or “I’ll need to check with someone before I commit”  (even if that someone is you).

This is especially important for those people who naturally make decisions quickly!

Do a gut check

Ask yourself: on a scale of 0-10, “how much do I really want to do this?”  If you’re still not sure, ask yourself this: “If I knew this person wouldn’t be angry, disappointed, or upset, would I say no?”

Those who have a tendency to put the needs of others first commonly make defensive decisions.  Rather than think about what they want to do, they immediately worry about what others need and how they might respond to hearing no.  This is about thinking about what you want. 

Would satisfying this request bring you joy, fulfilment or pleasure?  Is it something you're not really thrilled to do; yet you know would support an important relationship?  Lets face it, there will always be times when you do things you’d rather not just to be there for someone you love.  In this situation, do it to show love or to strengthen your relationship, not out of guilt or obligation.

Tell the truth directly – with grace and love

Be honest about how you feel without over explaining yourself. Don’t give the impression that you’re open to any discussion.  The idea is to be considerate with your choice of words while sending a clear message that you need to say no. 

“Thank you for asking me to mind your children this weekend.  I am sorry to let you down but I promised myself some quality time and this is the weekend I had planned this for.  I do hope you can find someone and if you need help finding someone else, please let me know and I may be able to help you.”

Remember, if you are going to disappoint people the right way, the idea is to tell the truth with respect and care, not manage their emotions.  If you are delivering a message with care and love, you are being responsible for how you are showing up to life and this situation.  How that person receives that message and responds is their responsibility.

If they pursue the conversation further, do not feel obligated to explain further.  Repeat your initial response.

Measuring success

Don’t measure your success by the response you receive.  Measure it by how you feel once the initial feelings disappear. 

Ask yourself:

·      Do I know in my heart that I made the right decision?

·      Do I feel relieved?

·      Am I pleased with the way I handled saying no?

·      Am I glad I did it?

If the answers to these questions are yes, then you have done the right thing.

Practice – Practice – Practice

No new skill is set in concrete just by reading about it.  You need to go out there and practice these skills until you feel comfortable with saying no.  Set yourself a goal of practicing at least once a day.  Roll the words around on your lips and find sentences that feel comfortable with you.  If you have found saying no difficult, then there will most likely be people in your life that you could practice on.

It’s time to reflect

Once you start getting comfortable with disappointing people, facing conflict, dealing with any potential anger and realising the possibility that you might hurt someone’s feelings, we can reflect on what you learned.

Each time you decline a request, use the experience as a learning opportunity by writing about it or reflecting on these questions:

·       What did I do that I feel good about?

·       What language did I use to state my position?  What worked best?

·       What would I do differently the next time I’m faced with request?

Strive to get better at telling the truth.  Remember:

·      Always take your time before responding

·      Do a gut check – be conscious of the way you feel

·      Tell the truth with grace and love, in a clear and decisive way

Agreement frame

This agreement frame supports you to get desired results and reduces conflict whilst maintaining rapport with another person.

There are two words you would probably want to avoid with men and some women.  People tend to put up boundaries with this language.

But – This is an extremely powerful word.  It could be used as a pivotal point in a conversation or it could negate something e.g. “I have considered your ideas with this project but would you also consider these ones I have prepared for you?” or “I hear what you are saying but I don’t agree with you.”

Understand – This word would work with women rather than men, as women want to be understood.  You could use it in a sales situation but you may need to use the lower phrases to get them through a challenge.

What to use instead

“I agree ___________AND ________________”

“I appreciate __________AND_____________”

“I respect _____________AND_____________”